Celebrating when it’s just the two of us

Last night was the first night of Passover, and this Sunday is Easter. My husband made matzoh ball soup (gluten free) to have alongside the roast chicken dinner we made, but that is really just a nod to the holiday and to the family traditions he grew up with. We didn’t make other traditional foods, and we didn’t do a seder or go to temple. I thought it only fair that those decisions be left up to him. For Easter, we’re undecided still, as to what to make, or even if we will go to church. I want to at least have a big dinner and make an Italian rice pie, but it’s complicated…

Feasts and festivities

My in-laws hosted very large seders at their apartment year after year. They would move all the furniture out of the way, shoving the couch, chairs, and side tables back to the walls. Then they would erect several long folding tables, creating several rows of tables and chairs. These arrangements wound through their long living room and into their dining room. They were able to seat and serve close to forty people.

My mother-in-law had mastered the art of cooking a big meal for many people, getting it all on the table at the same time (and presented beautifully). I asked her once how she had first learned how to pull together such a (in my mind) remarkable feat, and with no sign of stress, no less! She told me she had to learn how to do this when her husband – my father-in-law – was first working in the city. He would call her near the end of the day, asking her to have dinner ready for six (or however many) people. Then he’d arrive home a while later with a group of his coworkers ready and excited to sit down and eat. In those days, a full offering of drinks and hors d’oeuvres was also expected. As well as, of course, the friendliness of the perfect hostess.

Seder celebrations

First night’s seder was a particularly big deal to my in-laws. It was a serious but joyful time. Every guest was greatly involved in my in-laws’ seders; they were active participants from beginning to end. It was a time of great meaning, friendship, community, warmth, and love.

My mother-in-law passed away two years ago, surviving my father-in-law by many years. She had continued to host seders, though not usually quite as large as those earlier ones. So, considering celebrating Passover now, without my husband’s parents, without the community to which they belonged (they lived in another area), and without our own daughter and her partner nearby, felt quite lacking. My husband decided to make the soup, simply because he loves doing it. But that was really all he felt interested in doing for the holiday.

Easter for the not-so-religious

When I was growing up we celebrated Easter every year. My family’s religiosity was not uniform from one person to the next. Easter kind of allowed for this, since so much of its recognition is in spring symbols. We had our Easter baskets and decorated eggs, but when my mother was still alive, it was important that we celebrated the entire holiday season starting with Lent, and finishing with a large Easter dinner. After my mom died, my dad didn’t really continue observing the most religious parts of the holiday. We still decorated eggs together. We also kept the tradition of going to church at least on Easter Sunday, followed by a large family dinner.

Our parents

Some years, my husband and I brought our own young daughter to church for Easter. Yearly, we decorated eggs and enjoyed a large family dinner. We sometimes also went to temple, and to seder at my in-laws’, though not every year. Key to those celebrations for all three of us was the presence of our parents. Our parents were all heavily involved in family and in community. They were all active and involved with our family, and with all of their grandchildren.

Obviously, holidays change for us as our children grow up, especially once they’ve moved out and lead their own lives. Christmas for my family remains a particularly joyful and exciting time. We get to see our daughter and her partner for longer than at any other time of year. We celebrate abundantly.

Easter, on the other hand, is now just my husband and myself. So is Passover (which sometimes comes and goes without any observation at all). Since my mother-in-law passed away, I have been feeling the loss of all of our parents distinctly – what it feels like that all of our parents are now gone. I don’t think I had ever really wondered exactly what it might feel like. I’d guess if I had tried to figure it out, I wouldn’t have expected it to feel quite this way. It is sometimes a difficult feeling.

Attending or togetherness

This year for Easter and Passover, especially since they fall within the same week, I felt the strong urge to celebrate both. Go to temple, at least, and a community seder if possible (which really isn’t, since being diagnosed Celiac). Go to church, and have a big Easter dinner. Since we aren’t currently members of a church or a synagogue, there was some challenge to this idea 😉. Still, I looked at events in our area, and I asked my husband what he might like to do. He said he’d think about it, and ultimately decided against going to temple, but was fine with going to church.

In the past few days I’ve given myself the opportunity to reflect on it myself, and to reflect on why I felt the urge to do these things more strongly than some other years. I’ll save religious musings for another time, but I think it’s obvious the stronger urge this year is mostly just about family and togetherness.

Our parents brought so much meaning to these holidays. All of us being together to celebrate is really what made them truly celebrations.

Favorite foods

What we do have, how we can celebrate on our own together, is cooking some of our favorite foods from these holidays. Sharing food together can bring a sense of memory, nostalgia, celebration, and tradition. It is a continuation of sorts. It is also a meaningful way of carrying on some family traditions when it is just the two of us.

Food as memory

So many of our family memories involve sharing food. It not only tells us about our family in the present, but about our family in the past. What foods or recipes do we cherish for giving comfort or for satisfying feelings of nostalgia? Which foods tell us more about the people we learned their recipes from, and about the even more distant past?

When my husband made his matzoh ball soup, it was just like the kind his mom made… it wasn’t made with bone broth or filled with chunky vegetables, which we’ve seen popularized recently. When I make an Italian Easter rice pie, it isn’t like the decadent lattice-topped pies from the bakery, it’s as close to the crustless version my grandmother used to make with a recipe she had adjusted to reduce cholesterol (still wonderful though!). These might not be trendy or gourmet takes on these traditional recipes, but the past is within these recipes, our past, and our parents’ and our grandparents’ past. It is a way of connecting to them, keeping them in the holiday, and a way of celebrating these holidays when it’s just the two of us.

~ Nellie

p.s. if you’re in CT, Mozzicato is our go-to Italian bakery when we’re visiting. I’d highly recommend it – even since being diagnosed with Celiac, we still go there for gifts for others, and they even have a cookie or two that I can safely enjoy (remember of course, if you’re Celiac or gluten-sensitive, YMMV!). The picture with Gary was taken at a hotel, when we were staying there over one Easter during my dad’s illness, which explains the plastic knife and nondescript setting 😉